Weight Loss Journey

I'm going to bite the bullet and actually write this.  I feel embarrassed, scared, vulnerable, and just plain bad about this.  But maybe writing this will keep me motivated and held accountable.  

When I got pregnant with Tanner I was about 15-20 pounds heavier than I felt comfortable with.  Of course I had huge boobs (what I wouldn't give to have those small ones back now...) so I figured that tacked on a few pounds.  But during Tanner's pregnancy I gained roughly 60 pounds, most of it within the last few weeks, and most of it was water weight from so much swelling.  I was looking forward to losing the weight after he was born but life got in the way.  

My number one priority was to establish my milk supply for him.  I was afraid to work out too much or diet too hard and dry up.  Also living in Oklahoma and Texas during the hottest times of the year didn't help either.  And lucky for me I am one of the few who do NOT lose weight easy from nursing.  Yay.  Many women actually hold onto weight until they stop nursing.  But I'm not going to wean Tanner just because I want to lose weight.

But lately I've had the urge to do something about it.  It might be the fact I am in a weight loss group with friends on Facebook. Maybe it's the fact the weather is absolutely beautiful now.  Or maybe it's because I can see the track, and people running, from my living room.

I don't know what it is, but all of the things that motivate me came barreling down on me, hitting me like a ton of bricks.

• I'm missing out on taking pictures with my baby because I don't like the way I look.  He's not much of a baby anymore.  I'm running out of time.
• I want to be able to wear normal clothes.  Yes, I am still wearing maternity pants. I'm so embarrassed. My normal size won't button around my c-section pooch but larger sizes fall off my hips.  I can't win.
• I want to have a cute short hair cut that works with a skinny face.
• I don't want my life to revolve around eating.
• I want to enjoy working out.
• I don't want to start out my next pregnancy overweight.  There is so much I want to do to try to avoid the overeating and the swelling.
• I want to like the way I look.  I've never liked myself.  There was a 3 month window back before nursing school started where I lost some weight and loved the way I looked.  Nick and I went on a road trip, got engaged, and took hundreds of pictures.  I was so happy. I miss that girl.
• And the biggest motivator?  Tanner.  I want to be healthy to set a good example for him.  I want our family to be active.  And not rely on food the way I do.  

This was me 5 weeks pregnant AND bloated.  I absolutely hated myself then.  All I think to myself now is IDIOT!  I am so far away form that person.  I have a lot of work to do.  

I did a little experiment for a week while Nick was gone.  I watched what I ate, had healthy snacks available, and ran.  I can't run long distances yet (stupid boobs), but I ran/walked a mile a few times that week, along with a walk around base each day. I lost 3 pounds.  As much as I hate running (right now) it works for me.  But Tanner doesn't like being cooped up in the pack n play while I run on the treadmill.  So...I bought a jogging stroller.  I have no excuses now. I'm hoping I can run a lap, and walk a lap, for maybe 2 miles.  And once I get better at that I will drop the walking and add more running.  I want to enjoy running.  I use to, back in high school.  Maybe I can again.  If I start now, I will be able to fit into my normal clothes.  Wear normal jeans. Get my hair cut this winter.  Take pictures at Christmas.  The list goes on, and on...

I need to do this.  I HAVE to do this.  It's not just about me anymore.  I have to take care of myself to set a good example for my children.  I feel like I'm at a cross roads in my life.  If I don't do this I will be going down hill.  I have to do this.

I will be taking a "before" picture.  I can't share it now.  But maybe one day, I will have the courage to post it.  And hopefully I can take an awesome "after" picture at the same time.